Dan The British

Numma 7: I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaack

2008-09-25T08:01:00.002+01:00

Just when you thought it was over, well guess what, i don't have a life again. Weeeeee. More balls coming soon. Innit.

Numma 6: Grand Theft Auto Four is mentioned in the Bible Itself!

2008-04-26T06:52:00.006+01:00

"Fuck me while playing Grand Theft Auto 4" demanded the horny bitch...so i proceeded to do just that, I then walloped her in the jaw with the butt of a rifle, like "Grand Theft Auto 4" Her mouth bleeding, teeth deformed, she asked again for me to do so, so...the thrusting continued. I lobbed a live grenade at her and then dived from my room window out into the street. A giant "Y" Button appeared above my head, a finger much like God's pressed it, and i pulled a passer by out of their vehicle and jumped in...i then said _________ < (enter any phrase from Niko Bellic Grand Theft Auto 4)

You don't have a clue what I'm talking about? You don't know what Grand Theft Auto 4 is? Then quite frankly i hate you. I fucking hate you with the same bubbling venom that shaitan haites Allah. I hate you, and if the chance was there...like...Niko...."I would probably Keel You"

Oh but what does this GTA4 game do to help us, how does it make for a better world you all moan at me. Well hello?? Because baffling enough, Grand Theft Auto Four is mentioned in the Bible Itself!!!!!!! Yes, the Bible Itself!!!!!!!!

Luke 24: "He said to them, "Why are you troubled? And why do doubts arise in your hearts? "Behold My hands and My feet, that it is I Myself. Handle Me and see, for a spirit does not have flesh and bones as you see I have." When He had said this, He showed them His hands and His feet. But while they still did not believe for joy, and marveled, He said to them, "Have you any food here?" So they gave Him a piece of a broiled fish and some honeycomb. And He took it and ate in their presence. The Lord then said to them "Behold, you will see me at the right seat of the Lord, and indeed Grand theft Auto 4 will be enjoyed now, as it will within the hearts of men"

FUCKING AMAZING!!! All this excitement and i haven't even played it yet. I've read minimum reviews as not to spoil a thing. Me and the...missus...seem to be going through a "patch" at the moment, so I've decided the best way to solve this, is by buying GTA4 and playing it until the early hours. :-| My reasoning being, if I'm playing GTA4, then I'm not upsetting her in an argument with my sharp cutting wit, quickfire responses which are better than hers, all around good looks, and general "I'm never wrong" type smugness. My buying and playing GTA4 is better for everybody. Me playing this game is even going to benefit you reading this now in some way.

A girl at work asked me if Grand Theft Auto Four was going to be released for the Wii Console. Yeah, the Nintendo Wii Console. I threw her out of the window. Our office is on the fifth floor. I watched her land on a parked car below, she hit it in slow motion. A Screaming sea of glass, claret. Then nothing but the sound of the mangled car horn filled the air. A tear forced itself from my eyes. I dabbed it, turned away from the window, straightened my tie, adjusted my black gloves like Niko, and continued, undeterred.

I respect some people might not actually know what this GTA4 thing is...at the current time, those people are being rounded up into camps, and shot, or forced into free labour. Either way, they are being taken care of. I'm picturing a few hard punches the to the face. And slaps round the back of the head...and the ladies???...dear god no, not the ladies.

Oh! whats that you say? you're one of those wimpering cocks who knows nothing about this game??? Oh lord above i hate you. If you could only feel how much. Ok first thing you should do then is go to wikipedia and enter "Grand theft Auto 4" Then feel misrable and left out as the snivelling PIG you are, as you roll around in your own swill like knowledge, content with the fact that you know NOTHING about the biggest Gaming event since probably San Andreas, San Andreas?? S..A...N A...N oh, you don't know what that is too? Oh for fu..

So the games release is four days away at the time of writing oh what, FOUR? Yeh well, when the day comes it will be a much more potent cut, the hit will be stronger, the kick harder...as Tony Montana probably never actually said "Ey de cocaina will be much stronger okay? Geez louis..." no no , as Tony Montana said "Ey, you...sheet, what is this fuckin rocket powder?? this shit just blew my fuckin head offf! I'm gonna blow your fuckin head offf" You are reading these amusing quotes with a Tony Montana accent right? Who's Tony Montan...oh for fuck sakes.

Look you play an Eastern European Immigrant and can run around a virtual new york killing, stealing getting drunk and anything else...teefing cars brother. It's the kind of shit you need. Also you can buy it for your little ones..ESBA rated the game "Ok for kids" in fact, any kids reading this right now...go out and do what the man in GTA4 does. You'll need a GUN first...

No more that's enough...

All this and i haven't even played the game yet. We all know once you get into the game, after the first few hours or so, it will be pretty much a normal game, but thats not the point, it will be GTA4!!!! The GAME...hahaha

*Hears feet running upstairs*

*Tactical FBI Unit burst through the door wearing riot helmets guns pointed at me flashlights in face*

"PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD!!!!!!! We heard you type on the keys that "it will be pretty much a normal game???"

"No i i , i was writing a blog i didn't mea"

*Gunshot*

Dead...

Numma 5: "I can say to you right now...I WOULD!!!"

2008-03-21T09:24:00.016Z

The love hate relationship i have with Cheryl Cole. To slap her round the face or to not slap her round the face. Choices...choices. When she exposed herself as a stinking racist, i really had no time for her. She was the fittest out of girls aloud but i resisted the urges of nature and kept up the burning hatred i had for her...fucking racist!!!

Then she married black footballer dude, ok, I'll let that one go. So i started to like the old trout again. Accepted her onto my good books. But listen luv...all this weeping Mary in robes walking the streets weeping because her man jumped into a new choice selection of Cod. Get outta town! This is life. Sure it hurts but only until the next cheque arrives you stupid b...oh...dont get me going, please. Im gonna strangle her in a minute!!! Grrrrrrrr. Dumb Ho.

Saying that though i do have her on my Desktop wallpaper, and i'm not really sure how that happened? Besides me actually doing it. And she seems to have appeared on my actual phones wallpaper too. I also seem to be thinking about her everyday, and in a strange way, i also even seem to be in love with her.

But all that's minor. It's all this coverage, she hasn't lost a limb! I mean who's really following this story anyway? Besides me? Everyday? With a passion. I mean who cares!!! besides me...desperately.

As for Ashley Cole's bit of skirt..the other one, blondie, she wasn't that bad. Looked a bit trampish kind of. Like pretty face but trampish. The type of daughter from a family in Shameless or something. Nice and whorebag-ey Therefore, from that alone, i can say to you right now, I WOULD! No i'm going to wrote a part two to this. This aint over Cheryl. I'm coming behind you. And i really dont think i'm going to be able to stop.

Numma 4: "Abba Are Time Travellers"

2008-02-10T13:40:00.001Z

Abba are Time Travellers. I belive that Abba are Time Travellers, because the music they have created is the closest humans have come to perfection. I am a long time Abba fan, no shame...no shame here sir. But this is deeper. I think their master plan hatched something along the lines of...

Two guys Benny and Bjorn back in the 60's. Bjorn says to Benny,

"let's create a Time Travel machine"

"Something that can wrap space in on itself?" says Benny, his rich brown locks flowing.

"Yes" Replies Bjorn

"But why?" Says Benny, His mouth full, enjoying a plate of smoky but rich Swedish Cheese

"Because i want to create a supergroup, using the best songs that are going to be made in the next 100 years to come, then travel back to present time, now, then use them as our own" Replies Bjorn...stroking his combed beard.

They get in, and travel forward through time from 1960 for the next 100 years, stealing the best music from the future. Copy it, copy its melody, sound, and they do this until they have a body of perfect songs, taken from hit artists of the future no one has of course heard yet.

They then, stop, to eat some MORE delicious Swedish cheese, then travel BACK to the 1960's. They use their body of stolen no1's from the future, no one would have heard, and then proceed to make a career from their stolen..tracks...

Erm...

There's no other way Abba can be so perfect. Abba are NEAR-PERFECT as a Music Outfit. The melodies the music, the passion, the songs. No group can have so many perfect songs. Now, i'm a maturing gent, approaching my 30's quicker than i'd like. Part of gettin old i'm finding out is going back, and listening to the stuff you used to hate your parents playing, but now i realise why they played it. Over...and over...

I would quite happily fist fight anyone who disagrees that musically, Abba are near perfect. It's not so much the songs on their own, its the AMOUNT of songs that hit throughout each album. It's too many, and it's too perfect...so i suspect they were up to something, and i'm thinking it was Time Travel.

"Super Trouper (Trooper)" Is a burst of multi coloured flashing skittles...that's what i see when i hear that song. I see the Colours of the song.

"Chiquitita" Tears in my eyes...real grown man crying right in front of you. Arms extending for a much needed hug. That's what happens when i hear this actual fucking perfect music. And it goes on and on...

These guys must be Time Travellers. Beatles is cool, all of that, cool cool, but the pure mechanically constructed mathematical preciscion of songs that hit just the right spots are just too perfect with Abba. No band has come close to even touching the beauty...

Or...maybe they are from Heaven??

"Dancing Queen" Yes...She can glide indeed my friends. She can glide indeed. This song plays, i fly into a whirling paint swirl of Disco Lights, a young (18 above) girl in my arms swirling, we are so happy, smiling laughing, so many colours...then the chorus...ah..it twists my stomach. Once again, too perfect too consistent.

"Thank You For The Music" No, thank YOU for the music my long haired friends. Listen to this song, the construction. I'm not even going to say no more. These guys are space travellers, they have stolen perfect songs from the future, returned to the sixties and then used them as their own. No sheer amount of perfect songs can come from one Band...

"Gimme Gimme Gimme" Wow...could this be the best song ever? More than likely. Disagree?? er one word...hut hum, only Madonna. The most sucessful female singer ever (google that and find out if it's true for me) she loved it. "Gimme" hits again on so many levels, the melody, the riff, the electro wailing, the strumming, its just pin point perfect as music. It's like it twangs and tweaks every single pleasure spot of the brain...

Is it just me who feels this when he listens to Abba? Perhaps i'm going mentally insane?

Abba music is as if...well, almost as if machines were programmed to create music that would be perfect to the human ear...machines automatically reading the brains patterns, waves, what works, what makes humans tick and then producing the said music for consumption, yeh machines...cyborgs?? Perhaps Abba are mechanical creations? made by a global corporation to dominate Music!

......30 years ago.

Abba could very easily be the greatest band of all time, i knew it 25 years ago when my mum BURNED them into my brain 24/7 as a kid. But rediscovering their perfection, has to be honest...left me with a tear in my eye. I want to spread the word and tell the youngsters like myself, to go back and dig through...

Get on lime wire and get these songs, burn them to a CD in the order below...press play, and see God himself in front of you. Abba...

Numma 3: "Cloverfield is amazing, theres no way to get around that"

2008-02-07T02:18:00.001Z

This little piece I'm about to write has spoilers, so no crying like a bitch! don't be a bitch and cry! cos I'm gonna spoil the whole film if you ain't seen it. You crying BITCH.

Right...

Sometimes, just sometimes, when something is so good, when something is so tremendous and so monumental / life changing. Sometimes...people turn against it...just because. But why? You ask. 'Just because' they are wankers? Probably my friend, probably. This same thing is happening with Cloverfield.

Cloverfield is amazing, there's no way to get around that, or deny it, as a film Cloverfield succeeds, it's got to be one of the best films ever made, arguably the greatest film of all time. That title is only held by Transformers at the moment...that's an official....view. On which everyone agrees.

But there's a trend happening involving those who perhaps didn't understand why the "camera was wobbly" or "the film ended with no explanation about anything" etc etc so because these people were rejected so to speak, because they were shat and pissed on, beaten up and made outcasts, put in the "people who don't like cloverfield" corner, because of this, they lash back at the film saying clap trap along the pooey lines of...

"not sure if i liked that film"

or..wait wait , how about this one

"Oh, film wasn't that good really"

Erm, sorry Norman spectacles. Yes it fucking was. How dare you disagree, now continue to take these hard beats to the back of the head..wallop!!! I came out of the Cinema, feeling something i ain't felt in a long time. Not my winkle. But feeling like I'd just been part of an experience a ride. The entire film is viewed from the perspective of some ones camcorder, and in short a giant alien/sea creature invades new york in the middle of them filming live. What a fucking fantastic concept. Could have only been topped by it being an alien invasion as opposed to godzilla type flex, but still but still...

Theres one scene where you view them being air lifted out of new york in a helecopter, which spirals out of control, remember again, this is all from a live camcorders perspective, you are there, you feel the tension, you actually grip your seat..oh for the love of god look, it's just tremendous. If you miss this at the Cinema you've missed a huge part of what the movie is meant to bring you.

But the point of my blog is...those who are saying it's rubbish. Shoot them. Until they all accept our religion!!! Or if you don't want to, then support this film anyway because good films like, really really good films, are rare. The directors of the film call it a cross between Blair Witch and Godzilla. And that's exactly what it is, except its a lot cooler than both those films. And Blair Witch i liked.

One scene, the guys run out into the streets and the military are shooting away at the beast and the camcorder catches it all, right in the middle, it's breathtaking. And i don't even use words like breathtaking but i can't think of anything else, any other way to describe certain scenes. I'm going to cry in a minute.

Just really please, make sure you see this film while it's showing, you wont ever actually get the chance to feel the whole vibe of it again if you miss it on the big screen. Do you want to be a fool and get rocks thrown at you in the street? (again) or do you wanna be part of Monster City...

Cloverfield is one of those rare gems that won't come back again until the official sequel. Which has already been announced, which they are calling "Cloverfield 2: Dan The British attacks"

Theres no argument, Cloverfield is fucking amazing, theres really nothing more to say on it.

Numma 2: "Facebook Will Save The World"

2008-02-03T08:57:00.000Z

Who's gonna say it? I'm gonna say it. And about ten billion people agree with me buddy. Facebook will save the world. There's almost an air of embaressment or shame these days when a certain member of this race we call........"humans" admits to having a facebook page. Something along the corny lines of...

"Oh yeh ive got one of those stupid things"

"Oh yeah, heard about that shit, im really way to busy for it but i kind of have a facebook page thing going on yeh"

like fuck do you "KIND OF"..you LOVE THAT SHIT!!

Don't lie to me!!! Lie again i will smack you in the face, nose area, open palm, forward thrust strike. You lying PIG. Let me explain my outrage, my outburst and my anger, i will tell you why i am so passionate and angry at the same time with regards to this issue. It's because, quite simply. And i think im the first person to champion this, i mean really really proudly hold my hand up high and scream from the rooftops. Facebook will save the world.

Disagree? Gun to your head. This started for me got to be about a year or so back now i think. I heard about it sure. I was rocking the old Myspace as standard, and the Hi5, and the Friendster....and, the....Tagged...Facepic....and about 87 other profile sites, yeh ok sure. But Facebook was different, it was futuristic from the Get-Go.

The way you were constantly updated on whatever was happening with the person. Be it something as simple as they have changed one of their favorite films on their profile. Or information who they are now sleeping with...or...the relationship "status" changing. Come on, this is the shit! It's wicked. Myspace copied this updating with regular news idea after seeing Facebook do it. So i have recently CANCELLED my myspace account. Not the Dan The British one. One of my seven other Myspace profiles that is. I deleted it in protest of them copying!!!

I mean i'm steaming off here going on assuming you know what Facebook is right? You do of course actually know about Facebook though right? Let's assume for a second, just to be fair, you haven't heard of facebook ok?

So....

You haven't heard of Facebook??

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa???

Ok all you need to know is that it's the greatest creation known to man since the wheel. You set up a page about yourself, simple, thats it. Whack a few sexy pictures up there, posing in your pants like i do, that sort of thing. Just basically do the damn thing. Then you connect with your friends who have set up other pages about themselves!!!!!!!........!!!!!!.. ! !!!!!!!

The advantage of Facebook is that it's kind of the unwritten rule to register using your full name. Other profile sites normally a nickname is used for your profile display. "Sexmaster1965" or something similarly funny, sharp and witty. So to search for people past present or people you didn't know from adam, but once saw in the street and asked them their full name, is dead easy.

And the name Facebook is gathering steam, support more and more everday. There are currently, by the last count by me 800 billion people registered on Facebook. To be honest if you've got a computer and you use the internet, then you'll have a Facebook page, it's as bleedin simple as that luv. That's how it goes these days. Question is, do you fucking wanna be cool or not mate?

Recently on Facebook, i have come across many old friends. Some, are more than likely reading this Blog via my Facebook page. So i can't say too much, except for the fact that they were fit back then at school, but were too good for the nerd. But now i will get my revenge...with SEX!!!! Hmmm, not in the way THAT was worded though.

But i'm back in contact with a lot of girls i was previously too nerdy to speak to at school, i feel God Himself has given me a second chance with facebook. Perhaps a second chance at life... speaking of which, anyone heard of a online thing called Second Life? from what i'm hearing, it sounds like that was made for me.

To be honest i could go on for ever, the simple fact is, sure some people say using Facebook the government or the Men In Black have all your details and will use it to farm our brains like the vast human fields in the Matrix and conspiracy theory blah blah, details info. I've assesed this situation and looked into the possible intricacies of confusion, identity theft and government tracking that can come of displaying your details on a Facebook page...and here is my conclusion, in response, to that said information...

"bolloxs"

Get on Facebook, and get a life!!! I never had one before!!!! now i have 100 friends (by the time you read this...probably) It is the greatest thing since Childbirth. Serious...i mean you're on it already anyway right?? It's just the few oddballs and social rejects still yet to get with the motherfucking program. Hahah squares.

Just be careful though in case your boss is on there, setting your profile status name as "hungover from the weekend was fucking pissed" may not be the correct thing to do, at certain times.

Besides that, you not on Facebook? It's time to get your ass on there, and get yourself-a-lovin!!!

Numma 1: "Britney Spears needs Daniel in her life"

2008-01-28T07:02:00.000Z

Hiya, first off, listen ok?? i think it's my duty as a human being on this sweet planet, to comment about this girl. I love her, do you? i mean really LOVE her, as i do? I even downloaded her newest album, and i wouldn't fit into the box of a Britney Fan on first appearances.

Let's go back. It started really with the rolling stone cover. White panties. My fetish. Then my interest in this witch died down. But now she's gone fruit loop. I've been thinking about her again. And i say to myself...Daniel son, you missed out.

I would have loved to have been that brummie paparazzi who took advantage of her fragile mental state, and basically leapt IN THERE. For one, the said Pantie Picture (above) could have been re enacted for me. In real life. I really would have worked the squeaking cogs of her unstable mind to convince her that she loved me. Actual love. I would have held her in my arms for as long as she wanted, as the nights passed, and the mornings rose we'd both be there. The single 'Oops I Did It Again' on constant rotation in the background, playing softly, not too loud. Just a warm presence, thumping away. The disco beat erotic as well as exciting.

I think in her current state of mind, she would be faithful too. She's just too ill to really know anything else. To be fair I'd be hoping she'd be too ill to really know what's going on...at all. Zoom, move right in there and take Advantage like a tennis player. And not in a cruel way, no peeing on her head or stuff like that, just really moulding and crafting this dazed and confused woman into wife material. I would still help her out with the pills...just, probably lower the dosage, we'd wanna keep her "good" for as long as possible. Keep her juicy.

Sure like most, nah, like all of us, I was a bit pissed off to see her look in the camera that time she got her noggin shaved. Remember that look? Like, "hey look at me, i am THIS crazy!!! Hey, you still there?" It was a real desperate cry for help. You could say it was from that point onwards i decided that Britney Spears needs Daniel in her life.

She also needs another Kid as well, which i would provide for her. The ol' boys been bubbling for a spunk dumpster for a while now. Might as well blast off at the BRITSTER. She would be wearing the white pants before this said sex session of course, and then she would remove them.

"Take them off girl" I'd say.

She'd comply, her head twitching. More than likely shedding a tear while doing so.

Welcome to Dan The British Blog, and this is the kind of shit i think about all day long my friends...all day long.